The Snail Factory


The Snail Factory

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Today's blurb is all about Robert Rappler the Requisitions Grappler wait no goddamn it. I need to stop naming characters like this. I know it's petty and banal but I just can't stop I- I think I have a problem.

Where does a guy find help for stuff like this? They have clinics for drugs and support groups for this that and the other thing but where does a guy go when he can't stop giving characters silly names? I mean, I hit a new low here yesterday I'm trying to write a horror novel and I just named a guy Billy Bob Bundlebaggins what the hell was I thinking?

I know I'm sick. I know I am. I know that's the first step to recovery, knowing you're sick but what comes next? And part of me doesn't want to get better. I have a will to the negative, I want to hit rock bottom I want to write a serious plotline and name the main character Wilbur Willwobble III or Frank Frink and make him a sink repairman so he can be Frank Frink the Sink Clink. It consumes me! I... I go online some nights and look over kids movie character listings on imdb, hoping to see something to feed my own personal dragon. God forbid I ever have a kid of my own, I don't even know what I'd do to the poor thing.

Then where would I be? Going house to house warning the neighbors to stay away from me, the joculonomiphile. It would be kinder just to off myself now and save the world the misery of having me in it. No more pain. No more names. Yes, truly I do wish for death now. I wander outside at night hoping someone will do it for me because I'm weak you see, that's my problem all along. Too weak to end it and too weak to go on.

I feel like something's coming, something that will set me free. I don't know what, a doctor a pill or some sort of program. Or a gun, a bullet fired at random to find me in the right place in the right time. There's no word for this sensation of impending demise, no name for it I can find. I think I'll call it Fizzwimblism.