The Snail Factory

Stationary Workout

The Snail Factory

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Kelsey Mamoux of San Diego, Wisconsin writes:

"Dear Mister Bach,

I love Snail Factory and I like the episode with Melvin. I was wondering since lots of your characters are all sorts of weird things, what is Melvin? Thank you very much,

Kelsey Mamoux"

The author replies:

"Dear Kelsey,

Thanks for writing! I loved to hear from you and I've enclosed a plastic toy figure of Melvin just for you! It's one of a kind so it would sell for a lot on eBay, but I know you'd never do that! Haha! To answer your question, Melvin is a burlap sack. Thanks for writing,

Your pal, Ari"

Kelsey responds:

"WOWEE! Thank you so so so much for the doll! I'd never sell it on eBay, it's awesome! I was wondering though, if Melvin is a sack, what's he full of? Thank you ever so much,

Your biggest fan, Kelsey"

The author writes again:

"Wow, my first answer wasn't enough? Hows this: He's a big sack of SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ENJOY THE COMIC. You rotten little whelp, I took time out of my busy day to reply and send you a fucking toy and that's the thanks I get? Of all the ungrateful scum who write to me here you take the fucking cake. Courtesy is a contest little Missy and you just lost big time.

Considering legal action against you,
-Ari Bach"

Kelsey's Father writes:

"How could you!? You monster, my little girl adored you! She loved you and looked up to you and you broke her heart!"

Mr. Bach responds:

"How about I break her face too? You wanna see your kid grow up to get married? How about my security team fucks her up so bad that no man will ever want her? You want some too old man? Write again if you do. Write again if you want to see your little Kelsey weeping as she tries to put her eyes back in. Asshole."

Mr. Mamoux:

"Please just leave us alone. Kelsey has even sent back the toy you gave her. We don't want to be hurt. We're sorry. Please, please just let us be."

And finally Mr. Bach replies:

"You kind souls. You've passed the test! By not selling the toy on eBay you've shown yourselves to be just the kind of family I want to inherit the Snail Factory! Not like all the other naughty kids who write, your heart is pure little Kelsey and all that is mine now is yours. Congratulations kid, you're a real winner!"

Kelsey committed suicide before reading the final letter. She never learned that Melvin is full of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" and Mr. Bach remains in charge of the comic.